Positive communication. The key to improving trust between parents and children is to talk with your children in a way that they do not feel attacked. To do this, use phrases that begin in an Case in point: these quotes from Millennial and Gen-X parents, recalling things they heard as kids that they wouldn't dare say to their children now. View Gallery 21 Photos Getty Images Increasingly, parental experts are emphasizing the concept that yelling at our kids causes more problems than we intend for it to solve. "Yelling, screaming, and threatening children to get them to start or stop a behavior is ineffective and increases risk that children will develop emotional or behavioral problems," Grasso says. For Parents. Joining the Military is a big, life-altering decision that not only affects your child, but you as well. We're here to help with resources that provide a comprehensive view of service and what recruits should expect as they embark on a career path in today's Military. As we head into 2022, Worklife is running our best, most insightful and most essential stories from 2021. When you're done with this article, check out our full list of the year's top stories While we can't always be perfect, good parents know that kids are always learning from the examples we set. If we want our children to be kind, empathetic, and well-mannered as they grow up, we must try to be on our own best behavior and be respectful of others. 3. Model the Behavior You Want From Your Kids. Their advice is not based on today's reality and parenting standards. It is mostly all generic regurgitated information that is complete garbage. A lot of the mothers and fathers have come to me in desperation after trying some of the advice these sites make available for free (and some websites even charge for this "generic" garbage now). GD2IEbz. March 11, 2021Stanford-led study highlights the importance of letting kids take the lead Research led by Stanford education professor Jelena Obradović finds that too much parental involvement when children are focused on an activity can undermine behavioral development. Parents today often look for teachable moments – and opportunities abound. When reading a book with a child, for example, it might mean discussing story plots with him. If she isn’t allowed to play a videogame, it means explaining why. Jelena Obradović Image credit Courtesy Graduate School of Education There’s good reason for this Research has shown that engaged parenting helps children build cognitive and emotional skills. Too much parental direction, however, can sometimes be counterproductive, according to a new study led by Jelena Obradović, an associate professor at Stanford Graduate School of Education, published March 11 in the Journal of Family Psychology. In the study, the researchers observed parents’ behavior when kindergarten-age children were actively engaged in playing, cleaning up toys, learning a new game and discussing a problem. The children of parents who more often stepped in to provide instructions, corrections or suggestions or to ask questions – despite the children being appropriately on task – displayed more difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions at other times. These children also performed worse on tasks that measured delayed gratification and other executive functions, skills associated with impulse control and the ability to shift between competing demands for their attention. Obradović and her co-authors found that the phenomenon occurs across the socioeconomic spectrum. “Parents have been conditioned to find ways to involve themselves, even when kids are on task and actively playing or doing what they’ve been asked to do,” said Obradović, who also directs the Stanford Project on Adaptation and Resilience in Kids SPARK. “But too much direct engagement can come at a cost to kids’ abilities to control their own attention, behavior and emotions. When parents let kids take the lead in their interactions, children practice self-regulation skills and build independence.” Obradović’s research, which introduces a far more granular measure of parental engagement than traditional methods, shines new light on how parents help and hinder their children’s development during the pivotal transition to elementary school. It also comes as today’s parents, increasingly derided as “helicopter” and “snowplow” caregivers, are spending more time with their kids than their own mothers and fathers did – even before the COVID-19 pandemic turned many parents into primary playmates and homeschoolers. A deeper dive into parent-child interactions Finding the right balance when engaging with children is especially important around kindergarten, said Obradović, whose research examines how caregiving environments contribute to child health, learning and well-being over time. The onset of elementary school is an especially challenging time when kids are expected to manage their attention, emotions and behaviors without parents’ direct help. “This is a really important shift, when parents have to learn to pull back,” she said. For their research, Obradović and her co-authors – Michael Sulik, a research scientist at SPARK, and Anne Shaffer, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Georgia – brought together a diverse group of 102 children ages 4 to 6 and their primary caregivers in a Stanford lab. For two and a half hours, the kids worked on a series of tasks that have been used by child development specialists for decades to measure self-regulation, as well as executive functions deemed either “cool” when emotions don’t matter or “hot” when emotions are high. The children also participated with their parents in structured activities requiring different degrees of adult interaction. In a novel approach, the scholars had each parent and child observed separately. Using video recordings, the interactions were broken down second by second and evaluated independently. This allowed Obradović and her team to identify subtle shifts in how parents engage with their children. During a 25-minute activity, for example, a mother might follow her son’s lead for 13 seconds, then withdraw for 5 seconds, then direct him for 35 seconds. Typically, when researchers study a given aspect of parenting, they assign a single rating for the entire interaction. But that approach can be biased by the researcher’s overall impression of the parent-child relationship. Most caregivers seem supportive and caring, said Obradović. “On average, you don’t see a lot of parents yelling at their kids or being intrusive or checking their phones,” she said. “But there is a lot of variability within those averages, and our goal was to discover more subtle differences among parents who are generally doing fine.” These moment-by-moment shifts in parental engagement matter. “These are subtle things, but the message that children are getting may not be so subtle,” Obradović said. Permission to take a break For their analysis, Obradović and her collaborators created a measure of what they call “parental over-engagement.” They noted the moments when a child was working independently or leading an activity, and they calculated the ratio between times when parents intervened in ways that were meant to be helpful not harsh or manipulative and times when parents followed the child’s lead. The researchers found a correlation between high levels of parent involvement when a child is focused on a task and children’s difficulties with self-regulation and other behaviors. This was most apparent for children’s “hot” executive functions. When a child was passively engaged, the researchers didn’t find any link between parental over-engagement and children’s self-regulation. According to Obradović, this suggests that there is no harm in parents stepping in when children are not actively on task. Obradović said the point of the study is not to criticize parents. “When we talk about parental over-engagement, we’re not saying it’s bad or obviously intrusive engagement,” she said. “There’s nothing wrong with suggesting ideas or giving tips to children.” But it’s important for parents to be aware that teachable moments have their place, she said. Helping a preschooler to complete a puzzle, for example, has been shown to support cognitive development and build independence. And guidance is important when children are not paying attention, violating rules or only half-heartedly engaging in an activity. Sometimes, however, kids just need to be left alone or allowed to be in charge. This message may be especially relevant during the pandemic, Obradović noted, when parents may wonder how much direct involvement their children need, especially with everybody balancing new obligations. “Have that honest conversation with yourself, especially if your kid is doing OK,” she said. “As stressful as this time is, try to find opportunities to let them take the lead.” Ian Pierpoint of Synovate, a market research company, surveyed 1,000 parents who lived with children ages 12 to 30 and an additional 500 children in the same age range in the UK, and Canada. The survey found that 43 percent of parents say they want to be their child’s best friend. 40 percent would buy their children everything they wanted if they could. 37 percent would prefer their kids at home at all times because they want to protect them. 71 percent of parental child purchases are made without any child request. Parents guessed what their teen or young adult wanted, rather than getting something he or she asked for. 47 percent of the teens say they intend to stay home as long as they can. 41 percent of 20-24-year-olds are living at home. 56 percent of parents are in no hurry for their children to leave home. 72 percent of parents would welcome their children back at any time. 65 percent of teens believe their parents “try hard to be a friend.” 40 percent of teens indicated they would raise their own kids differently. Source Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels A best-friend parent “doesn’t give you rules and tell you what to do," Pierpoint says. Best-friend parents interviewed for this study felt their own parents didn’t understand them, and so they want to be seen by their children as someone who is fun to be around, listens, and is non-judgmental. Sources personal communication with Ian Pierpoint, and a USA Today article. Becoming an epidemic In the article, “If your mom’s your best friend, who’s your mother?” psychologist Steven Poulter claims, “This really is an epidemic. Because of unresolved issues with their parents, some parents today don’t want to be so hard and just want their children to like them. At the end of a long working day, they don’t want conflict.” Best-friend parents Best-friend parenting raises several questions. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to parent? Can parents be friends with their children, and in doing so, do they abdicate parental responsibilities in exchange for friendship? How is a friend-to-friend relationship different from a parent-to-child relationship? Is there a difference between being a friend and being friendly? Is being a best-friend parent good for children, or is it a form of childhood overindulgence? If so, what type of overindulgence? Source Nicole Michalou/Pexels I would argue that the roles of parent and friend are very different—perhaps even conflicting. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a parent as “a person who holds the position or exercises the functions of a parent; a protector, guardian.” Friends are on the same level as you, equal in power, while parents should hold more power than their children. Parents should be friendly but should resist the urge to become best friends. That can happen when the child becomes an adult. When children are young, parents have very clear jobs. They make decisions in the best interests of a child’s development. They say yes and no appropriately. They are role models. They teach. They mentor. From time to time, they insist. They stand fast as consultants to their children as their children become ever more skillful and responsible. They act to keep children safe. They discipline. These are not the hallmarks of an equalized friend relationship. Friendly, yes. Best friend, no. What happens when a parent discusses sensitive issues with their child? Koerner, Wallace, Lehman et al. 2002 researched mother-adolescent daughter relationships post-divorce and the impact of sharing sensitive information. They found “that detailed mother-to-daughter disclosures regarding financial concerns, negativity toward ex-husband, job ups-and-downs, and personal concerns were clearly associated with greater daughter psychological distress, but not with greater feelings of mother-daughter closeness, as existing retrospective research would have predicted.” Glenwick and Mowrey 1986 found that when parents abdicated the parental role in which the mother functioned as a peer/partner, it required clinical intervention to reestablish her parental role, resolve conflicts, and improve parent-child communication patterns. Apply the Test of Four Is being a best-friend parent good for children, or a form of childhood overindulgence? The Test of Four says parents may be overindulging if the answer to one or more of the following questions is “yes” Will being a best-friend parent interfere with or slow down what my child needs to learn at this age? Yes. Children in this study and our studies reported growing up without many of the life skills needed to function as adults because their best-friend parent did things for them. Will being a best-friend parent mean spending a disproportionate amount of family resources on one or more of my children? Yes. When asked, 40 percent said they would buy their children everything they wanted, and 73 percent guess and then buy things for their children without asking. Is best-friend parenting done to benefit the parent more than the child? Yes. They said they were parenting this way because they felt their own parents didn’t understand them. They want their children to accept them. Does best-friend parenting potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way? Possibly. Children raised by best-friend parents won’t follow the rules because their parents didn’t set guidelines, rules, or boundaries. Best-friend parenting = All three types of overindulgence I believe best-friend parenting is a form of childhood overindulgence. It overindulges children in all three ways too much, over-nurture, and soft structure. Best-friend parents buy everything for their children too much. They want to protect their children by keeping them home as long as they can and catering to their every desire over-nurture. They do not set limits or enforce rules soft structure. Further, our research shows that overindulgence harms children, and they, too, are more likely to become less effective parents when they grow up. Tips for avoiding overindulgence Be friendly to your children, but don’t try to be their best friend. Expect your children to do chores. Develop meaningful relationships with the adults in your life. Set limits and discuss them with your children. Enforce the limits you set. If you are over-involved with your child, begin the process of emancipation in a thoughtful and caring way for both of you. Practice Aloha. Do all things with love, grace, and gratitude. © 2021 David J. Bredehoft References Bredehoft, D. J., Mennicke, S. A., Potter, A. M., & Clarke, J. I. 1998. Perceptions attributed by adults to parental overindulgence during childhood. Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education, 162, 3-17. Koerner, Wallace, S., Lehman, et al. 2002. Mother-to-daughter disclosure after divorce Are there costs and benefits? Journal of Child and Family Studies 114, 469-483. Glenwick, D. S., & Mowrey, J. D. 1986. When parent becomes peer Loss of intergenerational boundaries in single parent families. Family Relations, 351, 57–62. When Bre Boyette was pregnant, she started outgrowing her king-sized bed. Her belly wasn't the problem though — it was her bedmates. The Louisiana mom shared her bed with husband Cameron Boyette and their four Labradors, a Yorkie and two cats. Because they planned to co-sleep with their child, Bre asked her husband Cameron to buy a bigger for larger beds fluctuated between $8K to $10K so the couple went the DIY route. Cameron, the former owner of a mattress business, tied a twin XL to their king, encasing both in a wooden frame he built. Bre sewed together pairs of twin and king sheets and two queen comforters for supersized bedding. Today, the Boyettes have three children under the age of 5, all of whom sleep peacefully with their parents — and their pets on most nights — in a 10-by-10-foot bed. For convenience, mini refrigerators sit at both bedsides so when their infant wakes up in the middle of the night, fresh bottles are within reach. Cameron’s only gripe is how long it takes to make the bed, though Bre points out, “He made the same complaint when we had a king-sized have family members who give us hell about it and say we're 'coddling' them," Bre tells "But one day the kids will want their own beds." Bed sharing and co-sleeping either sleeping in the same bed as a child or within close proximity date back to ancient times, according to the journal Sleep Medicine Reviews. A 2022 OnePoll survey found that 88% of parents with children under the age of 10 co-sleep for the bonding benefits, to sleep better and make breastfeeding more convenient. The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages bed sharing to reduce the risk of infant death, recommending room sharing in separate sleep spaces for the first six months of a baby's life. On TikTok, families are showing their mega beds beyond the mighty king 76-by-80 inches and the mightier California King 72-by-84 inches. According to mattress company Nectar, the Texas king is 80-by-98 inches, the Wyoming king 84-by-84 inches and the Alaskan king 108-by-108 inches.One brand called The Ace Collection sells a "family size" mattress that measures 144-by-80 spokesperson from the International Sleep Products Association tells that the aforementioned mattress sizes are "nontraditional" and would require accommodating headboards, foundations and sheets. Author Melissa Ferguson and her husband previously shared a gigantic makeshift bed with their four children — 8 year-old twins, a 6 year old and a 1 year old."They always ended up in our bed," the Tennessee mom tells "I finally said, 'Let's just make it a giant bed.'" Ferguson pushed a queen-sized mattress from her guest bedroom against her king-sized bed and the family piled in. The arrangement lasted for about six months to a year until the kids got newly decorated rooms and returned to their own beds. "It was fun and easy and everyone slept well together," she recalls. Ferguson still shares a bed with her youngest child and sometimes her middle child. Texas doula Erica Galia planned to share a bed with her baby daughter, Goldie, for the first 6 months, but more than a year later, the family and their pug dog, Bo still loves their California King set-up. "The space and the length gives everyone an opportunity to move up and down," Galia tells "Goldie can sleep horizontally or vertically and I’ll often scoot down to give her more space and her own little nook."Galia says some people think it's "weird" that her family sleeps together. "With motherhood comes a lot of unwanted advice, especially in a society that views a 'good' baby as a good sleeper," she notes. "What's intuitive for us is best for our family." Elise SoléElise Solé is a writer and editor who lives in Los Angeles and covers parenting for TODAY Parents. She was previously a news editor at Yahoo and has also worked at Marie Claire and Women's Health. Her bylines have appeared in Shondaland, SheKnows, Happify and more. Seventy-three percent of American kids would like more opportunities to bond with their families, according to a new poll. They also said they considered their family life to be very close—even much closer than relationships they had with friends. But the survey of 2,000 school-aged children aged 6 to 17 found that they are not alone 70% of parents would also like more chances to spend quality time together. Luckily, moms and dads searching for inspiration don’t have to look far, as the survey pinpointed the top activities children want to do more often with their folks. Commissioned by Red Robin and conducted by OnePoll, the results revealed that spending a day at the beach, playing sports in the yard and taking a day trip to a museum or amusement park were the top desired activities. Other simple pleasures listed were playing board games or card games together and going out to dinner or a movie. WATCH Dad Chatting’ With Infant Son About TV May Be the Most Darling Thing on the Internet Today For parents looking to make the most of the rest of their summer, other activities on the list were creating arts and crafts, hiking in the woods and cooking meals as a family. TOP 20 ACTIVITIES KIDS MOST WANT TO DO WITH THEIR PARENTS 1. Go to the beach 2. Exercise 3. Play sports 4. Go to the pool 5. Go to the movies 6. Play at a park 7. Camp 8. Take a day trip zoo, museum, amusement park, etc. 9. Play video games 10. Go shopping 11. Go out to dinner together 12. Hike 13. Go to an event sporting event, concert, etc. 14. Spend time together in the car driving to school, appointments, extracurriculars, etc. 15. Watch movies at home 16. Make a meal together 17. Eat meals together at home 18. Play board games/card games 19. Create arts and crafts 20. Have them help with homework When it comes to connecting around the dinner table, kids say they’d have more fun with their family if they were allowed to decide the order of the meal, dessert first 59%, could order for the entire family 52% or if they were the only ones allowed to ask questions at the table 32%. The majority of children surveyed consider their family to be close 90%, with more than half 56% specifying a “very close” bond—and even though 34% of children don’t think their parents understand what it’s like to be a kid today, it doesn’t affect the strength of their family connections. Surprisingly, even when asked about their friendships, children were more likely to feel connected to their family than their peers 49% vs. 14%. WATCH Proud Dad Mic’d His 4-Year-Old Playing Hockey and the Results Are Comedy GOAL! Most of the activities on the parents’ wish-lists matched with what their kids wanted to do, so implementing more family time should be fairly easy. TOP 10 ACTIVITIES PARENTS LIKE TO DO WITH THEIR CHILDREN 1. Eat meals together at home 2. Help their children with homework/schoolwork 3. Watch movies at home 4. Bath time/getting ready for bed 5. Make a meal together 6. Read bedtime stories 7. Go out to dinner together 8. Go shopping 9. Play video games 10. Driving their children around to/from school, appointments, etc. While parents enjoy activities like hiking, helping with homework, and playing games, it all comes down to “anything where their children are enjoying themselves and laughing.” Do Your Friends Agree? Share The Survey On Social Media… Source pexels Stuff. No matter how valuable, how beautiful, how family-historic, or how meaningful some of our “stuff” is, most millennials don’t want it. To them, a set of china, crystal, sterling flatware, our grandmother’s tea service, or that cherished dining set with the matching hutch are things they not only politely refuse to take on, but will also have to deal with getting rid of when we’re gone. It’s interesting to think first about why we, as boomers, put so much value on it, and then turn around and wonder why our kids don’t. In my mind, there is a psychology built on what each generation considers important, making it easier to judge one another instead of understanding the reasoning. Women in my age range tsk-tsk at how their children’s generation would readily haul off their parents’ valuables to a thrift store after they’re gone instead of displaying it, treasuring it, and telling the stories behind it to the next generation. But I get it. I really do. My war-generation parents loved to share their belongings with grace. They threw formal cocktail parties and had elaborate dinners with elegantly-set tables on lovely furniture, leaving nothing to chance — with attention paid right down to the last butter knife, wine decanter, coffee cup and saucer, and dessert plate sitting on a nearby breakfront, poised to be placed on the table the moment the main course was finished. Our house was spotless, with all beds made to perfection just in case a guest wanted a tour. And no, my family was not wealthy. They were formed from the stereotypical single-income, middle- class that no longer exists — the one that took great took pride in owning at least one car, taking yearly 2-week vacations, and entertaining their friends and family at any time of year. Frugality was a learned art for them. Lights were turned off when not in use. Saturday was “bath” night. Rubber bands were collected, foil was washed and re-used, and mothers regularly lost their voices yelling out windows to get their kids home by dark. Planning a dinner party was not for the purposes of showing off; it was, rather, for “treating” their guests, and most of the time there was an unspoken sense of reciprocation that went along with it. I would hear the "company" say, “It’s our turn to have you over next!” as the lipsticked wives donned their perfumed coats and white gloves to head out the door after an evening of alcohol, bad jokes, dinner, music, and laughter. Enter the boomers — their now-grown kids. The ones told not to touch the hors d'oeuvres or dessert and sent to bed early so "adulting" could take place. While deeply appreciating what our parents’ generation handed us as well as their wartime or immigrant sacrifices, we may have begun our married lives trying to emulate our entertaining parents with the best of intentions. But by the time we grew up, things had changed. Boomer moms were more educated and career-oriented, having more options than any generation of women before them. Having the kind of "lifestyle" we sought required two incomes. No longer were there weeks on end to prepare for a fancy night of entertaining. Those were reserved for holidays only. Our own kids noticed sets of dishes, crystal, and flatware were brought out only rarely, knowing the rest of the year they took up recesses in closets, cabinets, and labeled boxes. As a young adult, I came to the conclusion that I no longer needed to try to be my own saintly mother — even worse — I knew could never come close to the kind of domestically-proud woman she was anyway. While she gazed lovingly at the lit-up contents of her china cabinet, I wondered why we had to have a department store window in our dining room — a place that was simply kept dusted all the time and rarely used as she got older. And when I got into my 50s, long after Mom was gone, I sold my own china cabinet. My dinnerware all got shoved into a cabinet underneath our stairs — accessible but no longer featured. While I enjoy entertaining, I stopped using my china and silver wedding gifts from long, long ago and began opting for the fun Crate & Barrel stuff with Pier 1 linens. Guests seemed more at ease with less dressy place settings, and I was gung-ho to make them feel comfortable, as they arrived in casual clothing greeted by their hosts sporting the same look. Now? I am still hanging on to a few items I truly love, but recently I snapped smartphone photos of the objects or collections I am willing to let go of, asking my daughter about her level of interest in any of it. “I already have an obscene amount of STUFF,” she told me. And while I know she cherishes a few odds and ends from my mom a pair of mid-century modern loveseats, for instance, there is really nothing of mine she wants. Millennials tend to be minimalists. Formal dining rooms are not a requirement. And they’re happy to use their everyday plates to serve their “hang-out” guests. Chicago Tribune’s Denise Crosby, writing about succeeding generations, says, “Auctioneers and appraisers, junk haulers and moving companies all seem to be echoing the same thing The market is flooded with baby boomer rejects. And they cite a number of reasons our kids are turning down the possessions we so generously offer to them. They rent rather than own, live in smaller spaces, collect more digital than physical items, and tend to put their money toward experiences rather than things.” I made the decision, therefore, to sell some of my things and use the money for our next big trip, whenever the world is ready to let us travel again. There are sites like eBay, Craigslist, Facebook Marketplaces, and tons of silver and china-buying venues happy to share in the profit. While I once thought of passing down things to my daughter, I realized that all I would be doing at this point is burdening her with a collection of things she will either need to find a home for or bequeath to a thrift store. And I feel no resentment about it whatsoever, because what she values is not the physical things that I possess. She values who I am. And, someday — who I was. So I regularly contribute chapters to my own life memoir as much of it as I can recall so that she and any future generations might know something about me they never have been otherwise privy to. It is my gift to her. Somehow, I know that is more valuable than a crystal goblet. Facebook image Elena Elisseeva/Shutterstock

parents today want their